The Pun War of '13
by BlackPaperMoon82462
Summary: "Pitch slap!" Both fighters froze. Slowly, Jack and Bunny turned towards the speaker. "Tooth?" And thus, the Pun War of '13 had begun. CRACK. Who do you think will win in this completely jacked up (pun intended) war of puns?


**A/N: It had to be done. xD Let it be known that I tried very hard not to make any puns regarding my username (BlackPaperMoon) and the Man in the Moon. Also, there will be a tally of points and a winner declared at the end of the fic.**

**Rating: T for swearing and minor hints at not-so-appropriate stuff.**

**Warnings: Swearing, hints of (funny) violence, OOCness, vague references to ROTG yaoi pairings (nothing even ****_close_**** to yaoi though), and as many bad puns as the authoress could possibly put.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rise of the Guardians, My Little Pony, Dance Dance Revolution, the Nightmare Before Christmas, Sprite, Wendy's (or any of its drinks), Pirates of the Carribean, Jack-in-the-Box, or Jack Daniels whiskey.**

Jack Frost glared furiously at Bunnymund. "You did _not_ just go there."

"I think I did, Frosty," the Easter Bunny retorted with the same venom.

Jack had had enough. No one insults My Little Pony and gets away with it. Stepping forward with inhuman speed, he smashed his fist viciously into the Pooka's face. Bunny's eyes darkened, but before he could retaliate, a familiar voice called out gleefully, "Pitch slap!"

Both fighters froze, forgetting about their death match momentarily. Slowly, Jack and Bunny turned towards the speaker.

"Tooth?"

If only she had known the terrible days that would follow her statement. And thus, the Pun War of '13 had begun.

Point: Tooth Fairy

* * *

Jack's jaw fell open when he stepped into the Warren. He had been there last week and there had been a ton of eggs. Now it was the day before Easter and there were millions of the things!

"Surprised, Frosty?" a voice asked mockingly from behind the winter sprite. Bunny stepped up next to Jack in order to watch the eggs get painted. "Now that they're all born, we can finally put on the finishing touches," he said proudly.

Jack smirked. "Born, huh? Well, there's tons of 'em. They must breed like rabbits."

Jack Frost had a black eye for about a week after that, but he wore it proudly. 'Worth it,' he thought, grinning, as he flew back to Burgess.

Point: Jack Frost

* * *

At the next Guardians' meeting, everyone briefly stopped shouting at each other when Sandy started waving his arms around for attention. Jack ceased his throttling of Bunny, North set down the elf he had been about to chuck at Tooth, Bunny smothered the fuse of the bomb he had just lit, and Tooth set down the pink, sparkly _knife_ that had previously been aimed at Jack's head. They all looked questioningly at the small, golden man.

Images in sand flitted above the Sandman's head, making no sense to the other Guardians. Sighing silently, he slowed down the dreamsand pictures and simplified them as much as he could. There was an arrow pointed at his own head, then a picture of a beach, followed by another arrow (this one pointing upwards), and finally a donkey.

The others continued to be confused until understanding flashed in Jack's eyes. He then immediately fell to the floor in uproarious laughter. His insane cackling made everyone except Sandy, who knew what was going on, back away slowly.

It took Tooth threatening him with the knife to get Jack to calm down enough to explain. "S-Sandy," he began, his voice hoarse from laughter and stuttering from lack of breath, "has s-sand up h-his ass."

Point: Sandman

* * *

The male Guardians all stared intensely at Tooth. After a minute, North threw his hands up in exasperation. "I can think of nothing!"

Bunny leaned back in his chair. "Seriously mate, there are _no_ puns about teeth."

A picture of a bird and a question mark briefly flashed above Sandy before he shook his head frustratedly. He then banged his head against the table in defeat. There weren't any about birds either!

Jack was pulling on his hair. "I'm the Guardian of _Fun_! How can I not think of a joke!?" Oh, Bunny was _so_ going to tease him about that later.

"So it's true then. There really aren't any puns about my name," Tooth said sadly, looking down. "I feel so ashamed."

"The tooth hurts," a voice said from a shadowy corner of the room.

Pitch had only come to the North Pole to mock the Guardians. He did not expect to be tackled and hugged by all five Guardians of Childhood (and several elves who didn't know what was going on but still wanted hugs regardless).

Point: Pitch Black

* * *

North laughed cheerily and clapped the newest Guardian on the back. "It was good Christmas this year as always!"

"Hey North," Jack began, looking curiously up at his friend, "Do you really go down chimneys?"

The jolly man was confused for a moment but answered truthfully, "No. I do not know where that rumor started. Why would anyone go down chimney?"

Jack nodded but then grinned evilly as a thought came to him. "Is it because you get Santa Claus-trophobia?"

North laughed heartily again, but if one knew him well, one could hear the irritation in his voice. "I see you are fitting well with your role as Guardian of Pun, Jack!" The giant man patted the snow spirit on the head to emphasize their difference in height.

Jack glowered at him.

North leaned over and whispered conspiratorially, "Revenge is dish best served cold, my friend."

Point: Jack Frost

Double Point: North

* * *

The Man in the Moon (A.K.A Manny) fell to the ground, exhausted and defeated. His enemy, Pitch Black, stared down at him emotionlessly. "Had enough?" the Nightmare King asked as the original Guardian tried to catch his breath.

"Never," Manny gasped, struggling to get back on his feet.

Pitch just sighed, "I can't understand why you keep challenging me to Dance Dance Revolution tournaments every year when you always lose miserably."

Manny just grinned, looking strangely like Jack Frost for a moment. "Ah, come on, Pitchy. You know you love wiping the floor with me." He stepped up to the arcade machine, ready for the next round. "And one of these days, I'll beat you, Pitch Black!" he swore.

"Yeah, right," Pitch snorted before pushing the button that would start the next song. "There's a very good reason I'm called the _Boogey_man."

Point: Pitch Black

* * *

Jack wondered for a few minutes why Bunny was following him around the North Pole and singing a vaguely disturbing song about Halloween, but it all became clear when Bunny sang a certain -very obvious- line.

"This is Halloween, everybody scream! Won't ya please make way for a very special guy! Our man Jack is king of the pumpkin patch; everybody hail to the Pumpkin King!"

North and Tooth joined in at the chorus. "This is Halloween, this is Halloween!"

Then the elves took over for the last part. Their high-_pitch_ed (no pun intended, but it is welcome nonetheless) voices were slightly annoying, but they fit the song. "Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!" Everyone snickered.

But they weren't laughing when Jack made a blizzard in the shop and ran around yelling, "What's this!?" North edged away to his office. He knew what happened to Santa in that movie.

"There's frost at every window! Oh, I can't believe my eyes! And in my bones I feel the warmth that's coming from inside! ...What's this!"

Suddenly, shadows surrounded the toy shop and Pitch stepped forward, glaring at the winter spirit. "The Nightmare Before Christmas? You can't possibly do that without me!" He gestured behind himself, where a dozen fearling horses stood, "I even have Nightmares!"

Jack waved him off nonchalantly. "You can be Oogie Boogie."

Pitch went off to pout in the corner. "I'm always Oogie Boogie..." he whined.

Point: Bunnymund

Point: Jack Frost

* * *

"Hey North," Tooth asked, fluttering through an open window, "What language do the yetis speak? I've never heard it anywhere else."

North chuckled merrily. "North Polish," he answered with a wink.

Point: North

* * *

One winter, two immortals were surprised to find themselves sitting in the same bar, but decided to talk to each other instead of fighting due to the fact that no one else in the room could see them. That, and there was a rather nasty blizzard outside.

Bunny cringed in disgust as Pitch took a drink of his soda. "How can you drink that stuff _warm_!?" he asked incredulously.

Pitch glared at the Pooka. It wasn't murderous though; mostly just annoyed and slightly offended. "Why would anyone drink a cold soda in the middle of a snow storm? Besides, I happen to love hot winter Sprites," he retorted, gesturing at his lemon-lime soda. Several fangirls died a little from blood-loss at his word-choice. "What about you? Don't you have any weird food quirks?"

Bunny sighed. "...I like to have a Frosty on cold nights." At Pitch's confused look, he clarified, "At that human fast food place, Wendy's."

Forget the minor blood-loss. It was a downright _massacre_ of fangirls. At least they died happy; squealing and blushing madly.

Point: Pitch Black

Point: Bunnymund

* * *

The newest Guardian backed away slowly when Tooth brandished her knife at him threateningly. He didn't know why she was so pissed; he had only briefly wondered aloud if she tasted like chicken... What? He was starving!

He yelped as the normally kind and peppy fairy began dragging him away (And _not_ in the way you fangirls are imagining. Yeah, like that. Stop it.). "HELP!" he screamed, reaching out desperately to Sandy.

A picture of a snowflake, followed by a medicine bottle flashed above the small man's head.

"Oh, ha ha. Take a chill pill. Nice," he said sarcastically, momentarily forgetting about the bloodthirsty fairy that was dragging him away by the ankle. Then he remembered and yelled, "I'll get you back for this Sandy! REVENGE SHALL BE MINE!"

Then his screams were cut short by the door slamming behind the duo.

Point: Sandman

* * *

Bunnymund always hated the Guardian meetings. Not because of the main part of the meetings, but because of what always happened after. What happens when you put five of some of the most powerful immortals in the world under one roof?

Knock knock jokes, apparently.

"Knock knock," Jack started.

"Who's there?" North answered to keep the joke going.

"Ether."

"Ether who?" Tooth asked.

"Ether bunny," Jack finished, smirking at Bunny. They both knew that one knock knock joke always brings more. Bunny thumped his head on the table.

"Knock knock," North began, starting up a new one.

"Who's there?"

"Juan."

"Juan who?"

"Juan more ether bunny."

Tooth was next. "Knock knock."

"Who's there?" the others -minus Bunny and Sandy (who couldn't say anything for obvious reasons)- chorused.

"Justin."

"Justin who?"

"Justin other ether bunny."

Jack couldn't pass up another chance to irritate the Kangaroo. This was turning out better than he'd hoped! "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Samoa."

"Samoa who?"

"Samoa ether bunnies."

Bunny was starting to get annoyed, so he tried to put a stop to the jokes. But he actually did the worst thing possible. "Knock knock," the irritated Easter Bunny started.

"Who's there?" the others (minus Sandy, but he had a question mark above his head) once again chorused, happy that their friend had joined in.

"Dewey."

"Dewey who?"

"Dewey have to listen to any more bad ether bunny jokes?"

His thinly veiled attempt at shutting them up was ignored. "Knock knock," North continued as if Bunny had never spoken.

"Who's there?"

"Consumption."

"Consumption who?"

"Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?"

Tooth's grin as she started the next joke warned them that it wasn't going to be something innocent. "Knock knock," she said, causing the others to subconsciously take a step back before answering.

"Who's there?" they asked hesitantly.

"Cargo."

"Cargo who?"

"Cargo 'beep, beep'... and runs over all the ether bunnies."

North suddenly regretted giving Tooth that knife for Christmas.

**(A/N: I'm not even gonna bother adding those to the tally. Let's just say...)** Point: Tooth Fairy

* * *

"I," the King of Nightmares announced dramatically, his man-dress fluttering eerily behind him, "am Pitch Black."

Jack muttered something too quietly for the other spirit to hear.

"What was that?" Pitch demanded angrily, glaring at the newest Guardian. If that insolent brat said anything about his na-

"I said, 'Racist bastard.' "

"Well what else am I supposed to introduce my self as? Boogeyman?" the Nightmare King drawled sarcastically.

Jack snorted. "I'm not even going to bother making fun of that one. Too easy."

"I'm aware."

Point: Jack Frost

* * *

The male Guardians were once again staring intently at Tooth. "Oh, come on!" Jack yelled in frustration, "We can't just let Pitch beat us at this! We're the _Guardians_, for crying out loud!"

North and Bunny, who had given up long before that point, only groaned in response. Like Jack, Sandy had yet to give up, and there were images of various birds flashing above his head because he had once again been put in charge of the bird puns. He still couldn't think of one.

"Maybe you guys should just give up?" Tooth suggested, looking at the ground dejectedly.

"Given up on finding a way to mock the birdbrain, have you?" a condescending voice drawled from the shadows.

Honestly, Pitch could not figure out the Guardians. One time he taunts them and get tackle-hugged by the five, then he was being tackled by an incredibly pissed, mute Sandman. Sandy, for his part, was mostly just annoyed that Pitch had said it the second he himself had thought of the same pun.

Point: Pitch Black

* * *

**And now for some of the things I thought of using to make fun of Jack but was too lazy to make entire scenes for:**

"Holy hell, those were some awesome martial arts! Maybe you were Jackie Chan before you died?"

"You need to get into shape! Try doing some jumping-jacks."

"Do you have an evil-twin with the last name O'Lantern?"

"How about Sparrow?"

"Invisibility, flying and ice powers? Damn, you're one hell of a jack-of-all-trades."

"Have you ever wondered if jackets were named after someone, Jack?"

"Do they sell Frostys at Jack-in-the-Box?"

"How about Icees?"

"Snowcones?"

"Bunny, I'm about to go all Jack the Ripper on you if you don't shut the hell up."

"Oh no! Pitch caused an avalanche! Quick, someone go get a jackhammer!"

"Would you like some scotch, Frostbite? Or do you prefer Jack Daniels?"

"On St. Patrick's Day, can I call you Jack-in-the-Green?"

"So we went to Vegas, and Frosty here got the jackpot."

"Seriously, I'm never playing poker with you again. How did you keep getting all the jacks!? I was one card away from a royal flush but _nooo_. You just _had_ to get the jack of spades."

**Scores:**

**Bunnymund- II (2)**

**Tooth Fairy- II (2)**

**Sandman- II (2)**

**North- III (3)**

**Jack Frost- IIII (4)**

**Pitch Black- IIII (4)**

**Winners:**

**Jack Frost and Pitch Black! *applause***

**A/N: The authoress apologizes for the tasteless punery. It just isn't write. Don't worry; she will pay for her crimes. Her computer shall now be de-story-ed. (Lol get it? Destroyed? De-story-ed?) *shot* Ah crap, they got the guns out. I'd better book it. *trollface* *double shot* What? I thought it was rather punny. *runs away while cackling evilly***

**EDIT: There might or might not be a tie-breaker for Pitch and Jack! Send me your puns, dear readers, and I shall try to use them! I promise the sequel will be down-write punderful! *triple shot***


End file.
